I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
