I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
