What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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