no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
