I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
foreskin is a definite game changer
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
