Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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