Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pooping to opera.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
