i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
