you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My life is pants optional.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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