Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
PANTIES FOUND
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