you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
