Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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