So drunk its hurt
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
