This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
