I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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