so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Boobs speak an international language.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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