He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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