New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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