I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
