he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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