You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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