The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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