My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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