I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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