Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize