I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
