I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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