I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
