you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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