I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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