it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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