it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
