girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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