I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
