Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
