I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
