Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
