Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I puked a lego.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
