dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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