you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
