I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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