Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Randomize
