I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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