I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
