i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
