the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
