mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
