Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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