There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
