I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
