dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
sex in a hospital.. check
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
