Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I love having hate sex.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
