I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She bit a glass in half.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
