there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
