in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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