enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
