I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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