i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
