Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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