he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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