Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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