I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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