I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
