The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
