I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize