It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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