My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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