I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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